IN MEMORIUM - "RAVEN" - REST IN PEACE
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Thank you so much for your message, for taking the time to write to me. I'm
sorry for my delayed answer, but my I had problems with my server and it
only connected tonight. I was so anxious to see your mail, I couldn't wait
and was so upset that I couldn't check it sooner...
No your mail wasn't too long, I appreciate you sharing your story with me a
lot.

The story of how you came about your crows is amazing, they truly found YOU!
I think that is often - if not always - the way it is. The animals chose us
to be their family. I think it was the same for me and Raven.

It was evening of June 2nd, 2008. That same afternoon I had to say goodbye
to my big bunny Biancaneve. I was so sad and in tears, such a sad day...

All of a sudden I heard screams - loud ones and a then a higher one - it
seemed a crows voice. I watched down my balcony and saw a little black bird
on the ground, it looked disoriented. It seemed like I got my energy back in
a second - I HAD to help a baby bird, it was like my mission, and with my
eyes still filled with tears from having lost my precious Biancaneve, I
grabbed a pair of winter-gloves and rushed downstairs. As I approached the
baby bird I recognized it was a crow. We have many hooded crows here, they
live in huge families in our trees and woods. Every morning around 5am they
wake us up with their loud voice. Now I knew they must have nests right here
in that tree. I approached the baby crow and tried to grab it to put it back
up in the grass. It opened up its beak and screamed with its baby voice.
Meanwhile big crows flew down towards me and tried to attack me, I think
they might have been his parents trying to protect him. So I put it on the
grass and walked away, even went back home and watched the scene from my
balcony, to see what would happen. And he fell down on the street again.
Actually it was a parking lot but the street was right there too. I ran down
again and put it back up twice and he fell down after each time. I got
nervous about what I could try next. Suddenly a cat appeared and it all
happened so fast - I heard my mom who was watching me from my balcony scream
"caaaat" and as I turned around a big grey cat was jumping towards the baby
bird! I ran towards the cat and screamed and I couldn't see the baby crow
anymore... I was so upset and thought that was it - but then the little baby
tap-toed out from underneath a parked car. I was so released. I tried to
make the cat go away, but it only ran up behind a tree and layed down -
probably waiting for his next try. In the meantime my boyfriend had gotten
home from work and joined me. We were willing to try anything to keep the
baby bird safe and to make his parents come back to it as soon as possible.
So We tried putting it up on a tree brench, not too high not too low, but it
wouldn't stand or hold itself up. I think he was tired and exhausted, who
knows how many hours it had been there, calling and getting nowhere... then
the cat attack, I think it was under shock too. So it got dark already and
we tried to put it on the tree again and it fell off almost hurting. The cat
was still waiting there, and we saw no more adult crows around.
I was in such a difficult situation. I knew the best thing would be to let
it there and hope his parents would come back soon, but we also knew that
the cat would try to catch it again. I didn't wanna "steal" parents a baby,
but I said to my boyfriend that I wouldn't forgive myself if the next day we
would find it dead. So I took him and held him close to my chest and went
home. We put up the dog kennel to be his stay for the night. I gave him
water and he looked so tired and scared. I was so sorry and apologized to
his birds parents, I really didn't wanna take their baby away, it was such a
hard decision. The next morning I woke up so early with only the baby bird
on my mind. I checked on him to see he was still sleeping :-)

That's how the story of me and Raven began. I took him to the vet for a
checkup immediately, and he said I had done the right thing, that if I
didn't, the cat would have killed him. I was glad the vet was on my side :)
He said he looked fine but that he needed to be taken care of for at least a
couple of weeks. We agreed to release him as soon as he would eat and fly by
itself. So since we were going to keep him for a little while, a name had to
be chosen :) So I called him Raven. I already talked to him a lot and he
seemed less and less scared each day. He accepted the water and food and
seemed to be thankful. With a full belly he was tired again, like a real
baby :) He started being able to sit on a brench, still a little waggy, but
he learn fast and we were as proud as real parents! Our main topic was our
Raven!!! All my boyfriend and I talked about was him :) He got his daily
routines, from our snuggle and kiss time, to his flight hrs, to his daily
bathtime he so much loved. Our lives turned around him, he had captured our
heart and meant everything to us. At first he was more imprinted on me only,
but then my boyfriend wanted to show me he could do the same and Raven
developed a trusting relationship to him too. But all in all he was a
mommy's bird :) We hand-fed him from day one - to the last day. I don't know
why he never got independent, maybe it was our fault too, maybe he was just
too spoilt. But he just wouldn't eat by himself. He would call and open his
beak. So that's what we did for the 6 months we had him. We never went away,
and once we had to visit my boyfriends's mom in the hospital, I asked my mom
if she could care for Raven. He didn't like my mom that much, I think he
felt she was a bit scarted :) But I explained to him that he had to eat from
her hand too, and that I would be back soon. Everytime when I opened the
cage and sat in front if him, he walked towards me and put his forehead
against mine. It looked as if we were meditating. I then could talk to him,
sing to him, explain to him, and he would listen carefully, almost fall
asleep, it was amazing. I had never experienced such a special bond - that's
why I know he was my sould mate. He understood my words, he knew when I was
joking and he laughed with me. On Dec 18th,2008, he said CIAO for the first
time! I started crying when I heard him, I was so proud!

Thinking back I know I should have never ever given Raven away. And it kills
me inside that I did and I cannot turn back time. I'd give anything to go
back and change it. But the situation had gotten out of control. Raven got
more and more noisey, he called out earlier and earlier in the morning. I
ran out of bed every day to feed him and just keep him company. I asked the
vet what I could do, we were afraid our neighbours could complain. He
suggested to take Raven inside at night and cover his cage up with a towel.
We did and it helped. Raven slept through like a baby, until we got up :) Of
course he had to give us his good morning scream still when we uncovered his
cage :) But it didn't stay that way for long. Raven asked my constant
presence, I couldn't walk away or he would call for me. We organized
ourselves the best we could so that he was never left alone. My mom came to
my house every day to babysit too. But he soon stated screaming when she was
there too. We didn't know what to do. I kept him more and more inside, he
ate dinner with us sitting on a chair, we stayed up late at night,
everything that I could do to avoid him feeling lonely I did. When he heard
the wild crows screaming he looked up in the sky and stood still. I often
asked myself if he was missing his "real" family. And to fly in the house
just isn't the same like the ones I see flying across the blue skies...
I was thinking about releasing him right here, but he never got out of the
cage by himself, he seemed scared. And knowing he doesn't eat by himself we
had doubts he would ever survive either.

We got all the information we could get and talked to our vet. I came across
the wildbird center here in Switzerland. It's a very famous center, they do
research and take care of thousand of birds each year. Both baby birds and
adults that are injured or sick. Then they release them again. I called
three times to get information and tell them about Raven. The caretaker lady
told me I could bring Raven in, that they would keep him in an inside flight
for the first days, and then put him outside with another bird of the crow
family. But she said we would have to go and get him again when he's ready
to be released, so we can release him here, since they do not have any
hooded crows there. Of course we agreed. After telling that lady of the
caretaking-section everything about Raven, that he was our baby, his needs,
his routines, just everything, we decided to bring him. It broke our hearts
and I spent many hours head to head with Raven, crying. He seemed to
understand my pain, maybe he just didn't know why I was so sad. I told him
it was for HIS best and that soon he'd be flying out here with other crows.
We took as many videos and photos as we could - knowing they'd be the last
ones. I can't put into words what a feeling that was, really like tearing my
heart apart. Doing something you don't want to, but convincing yourself that
it's best, it was destroying...

On December 22nd,2008 we drove the 3 hrs. ride to the wildbird center. We
followed the caretaker's advice, to put him in a dark box during the
journey. I had a feeling that wouldn't work. Raven would never stay in a
box, he'd be scared and not understand what's happening. And that's exactly
how it went. He got soo upset he was close to a heart attack. I started
crying, I thought what do we do now? The car ride takes 3 hrs, how can we go
if he doesn't make it? Out of the box he sat on my hand. And that's how we
took our long journey, Raven sitting on my arm, then on the brench I was
holding, talking to me, even cleaning himself, watching out the window. It's
the most remarkable memory we have, the most precious goodbye he could give
us.

As we arrived the lady checked him and said he had to change all his
feathers. It wouldn't be before June/July that we could come to get him to
be released. MY boyfriend had already thought about beautiful places where
to release him, hoping he'd remember us and maybe come for a visit sometime.
We put him in the inside flight, with his toys and wooden brenches, and I
brought his food too. The lady told me tha they wouldn't hand-feed him, it
wouldn't make any sense, that he was to learn to eat by himself, and that
his instincts would soon kick in. She seemed really positive about his
future and said to bring him here was the only right thing to do.
We took a last look at him and walked away with tear-filled eyes. All the
time I had a bad feeling, I would have wanted to go and get him home again.
But I just had to give him the opportunity to get used to the new
surroundings, and I was so happy knowing he'd soon be in company of another
crow bird. I told the lady again that we are reachable anytime, and that if
there was a problem we'd be here immediately to get take him home again.

I called twice a day to check on him, and all I did was cry. The lady
reassured me that Raven was fine, that he needs time to get acquainted to
the new place and way of life, and that she's sure I am missing him more
than he's missing me. I truly hoped so! Last time I talked to her was
Christmad Eve. Since she said I could ALWAYS call her, I took her by the
word, but my future calls remained unanswered. I didn't wanna seem
hysterical, but I just wanted to know how my baby was doing. Days went by
and no answer. On Dec 27th I talked to my boyfriend, he started worrying
too, and I told him I HAD to go and get Raven home again. Right or not, it
was my feeling and I had to follow my heart. He agreed and I couldn't wait
for morning to come so we could go and get Raven.

The next morning, still a bit sleepy, I look at my cell phone and see a text
message from that lady, writing "I am sorry but I found your bird dead this
morning". The message had been sent 20minutes past midnight. I screamed and
woke my boyfriend up, and all I screamed was "Raven's dead, he's dead", and
my boyfriend screamed "noooo noooo". I tried to keep a clear mind, it seemed
like a nightmare. I called the lady, her phone was off. I then called the
emergency number from the wildbird center, a nice man, a biologist,
answered. I told him what had happened and he was shocked that his colleague
actually sent me a text message in the night! I told him we would come
immediately to pick up Raven's body. It was the last act of love we could do
for our baby. To take him home and get him cremated.

So only 6 days later we took the same long 3 hrs ride. This time in
silcence, just the two of us. Every corner reminded us of the last time, not
even a week earlier, that we drove that same road with Raven. And now he was
gone. We could't believe it, we hadn't realized it. As we arrived that man
whom I had talked to earlier on the phone handed me a box with Raven's body.
He said he can't tell why he'd died. Not for hunger, not for non-care. He
said probably stress. Or that he was already sick when we'd found him.
Only empty words for us. We knew he was fine - with us he was fine. And we
would have come immediately if someone had told us that he wasn't ok.
We told that man the whole story, he said that if we had asked him from the
start, he would have told us that a bird who is imprinted on people can
never be released into nature. If we'd known that we'd never had taken Raven
to that place. We did it for his best, out of love for him. And now he was
gone.

The long car ride home was odd. I couldn't believe Raven was in the box. We
took him to the crematory, where I chose the white pyramid for his ashed. I
kissed his soft head one last time.

Both my boyfriend and I couldn't go on living our normal daily life. Our
constant thought was Raven, and our guilty feelings were eating us up
inside... We wrote a long and detailed letter to the director of the
wildbird center. Telling him everything, especially about that lady who
calls herself a caretaker, to whom we gave our baby to care for, who
suddenly left our calls unanswered,, and who did not even contact us when
Raven had died...

The next they called us. It was that lady's boss, the boss of the care-take
section. He understood our pain, our grief and our anger. He said that that
lady is very professional, but is having private problems, and that he had
to talk to her and tell her that she's risking her job. He told us that
she's very upset about Raven's passing too and that's why she didn't feel
like contacting us. To me it doesn't count, I told him we had lost our baby,
and that nothing can bring him back. I just felt like doing something
against that woman would help my pain, but it didn't. We were thankful for
the time he dedicated to us, and we felt he truly understood what Raven
meant to us.

On Dec 30th,2008 I got Raven's ashes back. We walked to the riverside,
looked for a nice quiet spot. Water sounds and the wind, and some birds
songs... that's where I spread most of Raven's ashes... out with the wind...

I miss him with every breath that I take, our lives are not the same without
him. We will never forgive ourselves for taking him there, and we will have
to live with that guilt for the rest of our lives. But we have his love and
memories imprinted in our hearts, that will carry us and help us to go on...

Every day when I walk my dogs I now feed the hooded crows. They now
recognize us and fly down in front of me like eagles... it's fascinating to
see. In each one I see a little bit of my Raven, and I find myself looking
at them and smiling, smiling at Raven's memory, at the unique neverending
bond we have, and the world he granted me a look into by spending his short
life with me. I truly believe he found me.

Sorry for my long mail, but my fingers just went typing by itselves...
It was hard to write all this, I try to avoid talking about Raven, knowing
it only opens the wounds even more. But to tell you all now was kind of
therapy.

You know I have visited your links, and I would love to adopt another crow,
but here it is illegal to keep wild animals. Even for unreleasable ones you
need a permission. Nobody can ever replace my Raven, but I so much envy you
for your featherd friends. Please take care and enjoy every second you have
with them! You're doing a wonderful job and I am so happy I got to "meet"
you.

Here are the links to Raven's tribute and photo album:

http://www.in-memory-of-pets.com/personaltribute.php?ID=75581

http://picasaweb.google.com/StellaRusca/InMemoryOfRavenApr2008Dec272008#

Hugs Yvonne